This morning I played with my daughter. It has been awhile since I’ve gotten down on the floor and played with her. No distractions, no other obligations.
Busy work has overshadowed my life since College. I’ve been making it through, cause it’s in my lineage. But now it has spilled over and has impacted my Mothering.
I feel like I haven’t seen her, though I see her every day. We’ve been so distant. She sees me though and she is waiting patiently for that spark. Waiting for me to plug in so that the currency of energy can flow.
This started long before Baby Brother. It started when she was much younger. In my mind, I could have it all. As long as it goes smooth. But that aint life.
Motherhood has felt like Im steering a midsized boat and we are sailing against the current. Ever so often the waves subside and I can take a breath and float in the stillness.
This morning was a breath of fresh air.
A wise person said Life is hard, you choose to suffer. It’s true. This morning I chose peace. And I got down on the floor and I played with my Indie and she led us from one activity to the next and from a busy person’s perspective, it’s chaos! Or ADHD.
But from a still perspective. From a leveled view, it’s Magical. It’s beautiful and interesting. At first peek you’re like a tourist in a foreign land. It’s not foreign, it’s forgotten!
We’re the kids who grew up and couldn’t get back to Neverland. We forgot. Forgot how to play, enjoy whatever is in the moment, laugh and Love with every space in our heart.
I was reminded and not only did I have a peek into the Mind of a Child, I had a whole tour! Not just any child, My child. Indigo.
Lemme see if I can give you a sneak peek:
Lets Plan out what we’re gonna do today…
We start writing.
Me: step 1. Brush teeth
Step 2. Shower
Step 3. Do Hair
Step 4. Put on clothes
Step 5. Get Baby Brother ready
(She writes on her paper)
Step 1. Brush teeth
Step 2: Do hair
Me: (Thinking to myself. Maybe she doesn’t know that she could shower. Maybe I should tell her)
Indie: Step 1. Brush Teeth
Step 2: Do hair
Me: Do you want to shower?
Indie: No. Step 2. Do hair.
💡Lightbulb goes off 💡
She doesn’t want to shower. Just the basics today. Cool.
You see? Busy me would’ve looked right passed that and thought “hmm maybe I need to better explain the importance of following the routine everyday.”
Because a child needs routines
Because a child needs guidance
Because my particular child thrives on repetition
Because
Because
Because
When truly it’s because I dont trust. I dont trust her making the right decisions for herself. I don’t have faith in flowing. Rigidity is all I’ve known.
I would’ve urged and strongarmed her into doing it. Further weakening our connection.
Im glad I slowed down enough today to honor her autonomy. All those Because’s that I came up with in my head dont apply. They could be true but not more true than what im experiencing with her in this moment.
Because she just doesn’t want to. Period.
We played for another hour and a half from playing PJ masks to Paw Patrol to Visiting Nanas house to making Paper Airplanes.
I felt happy, grateful and grief.
Happy to see her smile and laugh after what felt like living with a teenager for the last 6 months.
Grateful that I took the moments to be with her.
Grief that I hadn’t done it sooner.
Grief that she may have been feeling lonely and unloved for quite some time.
Grief that she probably built an armor tough as steel as many kids learn to do at a young age because their needs aren’t being met.
Grief that i was the cause.
Grief that she felt the same yearn for her mama as I for mine.
The Sorrow that hit me was so powerful that it stopped me quite a few times whilst playing and had me stuck, staring into the Abyss until she asked me a question.
My trained defenses kicked in quickly to protect me from slipping into the depths of that grief while in both of my children’s presence. Because what will it be like?
Will I break out into tears?
Will my cries startle my children?
How do I explain it to them?
So I packed it up for another time. It’s there, I have to dive in eventually but until Ive created that safe space to pull me out, Ill sit here and be present and jump back into character.
~~~~~~~~
Lessons from this experience
~Be present, enjoy the presence
~There is no more important work than play with children
~Looking for Why will have you missing the connection
~Let children lead, you’ll be surprised at what you learn
~Mend your connections with yourself and your child
~Slow down and hear your intuition
Much Love,
Mama Kaiya